11 augusti 2017

Ångest och sorg är en skiva på repris

Jag svänger höger även om det går snabbare att cykla den vänstra vägen. Kisar när jag möts av solen som letar sig fram till mitt ansikte emellan träden. Gatan är stilla och jag gör en vänstersväng, trampar tills jag kommer fram till bänken. Innan jag sätter mig inser jag att någon har lämnat ett paket näsdukar på bänken, som om personen visste vad det skulle vara för typ av människa som cyklade hit klockan åtta på kvällen.
Torkar mina kinder med händerna istället och plockar ut hörlurarna ur telefonen. Efter några minuters tystnad piper telefonen om en ny slam poem som har laddats upp, jag följer länken och stänger ögonen. När jag kommer hem slår jag upp datorn och lyssnar på den om och om igen för att kunna skriva ned varje ord. Jag vet inte riktigt varför jag gör det längre, textar dikter som inte varit synliga för världen i mer än några timmar. Jag antar att det är mitt kvitto på att jag inte är ensam, och ju snabbare jag kan så mig själv att tro på att det stämmer; desto tidigare slutar mina händer att skaka.
Anna Marie - Lessons In The Mirror

I would make a good corpse, pale face sunken eyes
The origin of vampire myths and I ask myself what if when I like my lips and search of love you just think its an search of lust or thirst can't you tell that the only thing that I am thirsty for is solace
I am the girl with sunken eyes who was seen to much; that can never die 
And i keep hearing the phrase "handle it"

Don't you know that the word handle twists knots in my stomach
Instead of opening doors it shuts them, tight, lock it don't let thunder erupt from behind the door
Can't let anybody see that theres a storm; handle it
Why does this phrase make me twitch? How many handles could a door possibly come with?
Each new incident jiggles, the world can't seem to quit so maybe I'll give it a peak, make them think that behind this door is Narnia, It's magic

Little do they know, war is coming
Behind this handle my frozen tears that tore away the earth, hurt is hidden deep within this
So maybe I'll buy a jukebox for this room and listen to 'Dancing With Myself'
Handle it; These tears dry on their own
Handle it, whip it. Handle it, beat it Handle it, lock it
Handle it, stop it. Handle it, grasp it so tightly until you aren't sure that you can let go and then lock it, hide those keys inside of a locker and feel the irony

Pretend you see beauty until there is nothing left to see and feel the irony in holding tight to losses then toss that shit into the ocean
Be like Rose, persist, let go, forget everything you know; handle it
Handle it as if you were handed gifts that slipped through your fingers before you get the chance to open them and tell yourself; life is simpler without them 
Handle it until you no longer have hands to unlock the door and then run because you still have feet you will not become undone
So run - listen to forever young and run, run to dodge that bullet
Remember that happiness isn't a warm one, run; run like Forrest
Run, you do run run run, you do run run

I guess anxiety and grief is this record on repeat
Anxiety and grief is a record on repeat
Anxiety and grief is a record on repeat
Tell yourself that eventually a new record-
Remind yourself that sometimes you have to wear out a record to go and search of a new one
Remind yourself that eventually new songs will make you tick and remind yourself that you are strong enough to handle this

8 augusti 2017

Ur min anteckningsbok del 15

Jag går förbi en länga där det växer brännässlor längs hela kanten
Jag frestas av tanken av att kliva ned med mina bara ben i dem
Jag vet egentligen hur det känns att bli bränd
Har alltid vetat, sedans små klumpiga barnsben tog ett steg fel
Men ändå, ändå så kommer jag inte ihåg
Och jag tror att jag saknar min ångest på samma sätt som jag glömmer bort
Glömmer bort att brännässlorna svider mycket längre än bara för stunden
Glömmer bort smärtan som skaver tills insidan brinner
Glömmer bort alla blickar som säger att det är ens eget fel

Så jag tar två klumpiga steg till höger och låter mina ben omringas av nässlorna


25 maj 2017

7 augusti 2017

En lista om musik

1:A song you like with a color in the title
Blue Healer - Birdtalker
2:A song you like with a number in the title
13 beaches - Lana Del Rey
3:A song that reminds you of summertime
Harder Faster - Hampus Nessvold
4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about
Until We Die - Gentle Bones
5:A song that needs to be played LOUD
High Flyer - Casa Murilo
6:A song that makes you want to dance
I'm Not Famous - AJR
7:A song to drive to
Seven Days in Sunny June - Jamiroquai
8:A song about drugs or alcohol
Golden Skin - Utbryggarna
9:A song that makes you happy
Cheek to Cheek - Ella Fitzgerald
10:A song that makes you sad
Leave - Glen Hansard
11:A song that you never get tired of
Simple Song - The Shins
12:A song from your preteen years
Welcome To The Black Parade - MCR
13:One of your favorite 80’s songs
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
14:A song that you would love played at your wedding
Firefly - Jimmy Needham
15:A song that is a cover by another artist
Crazy In Love - Oh Wonder
16:One of your favorite classical songs
Requiem in D minor - Mozart
17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke
Good Morning, Herr Horst - Mando Diao + André Allen Anjos
18:A song from the year that you were born
Bottle Up And Explode! - Elliott Smith
19:A song that makes you think about life
Sailing Again - Joe Mendrick & Kyle Selig 
20:A song that has many meanings to you
Pariah - Steven Wilson
21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title
Caroline - Noah Gundersen
22:A song that moves you forward
Not in a Hurry - Will Reagan
23:A song that you think everybody should listen to
Donuts For Dinner - Natty Reeves
24:A song by a band you wish were still together
Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis
25:A song by an artist no longer living
Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix
26:A song that makes you want to fall in love
songs that we wrote when we were drunk - Lewis Watson
27:A song that breaks your heart
When You Break - Bear's Den
28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love
Knife Edge - Matt Corby
29:A song that you remember from your childhood
I'm Feeling You - Santana
30:A song that reminds you of yourself
Du sa - Kurt Nilsen